So, you thought about it plenty - more than you would care to admit - and now you are finally ready to start your BDSM adventure. Good for you! Before you rush to spam every gal with a switch tag that comes up on your filthy social of choice search, there is a bunch of things you should know.
1) Forget porn
This is very important. IRL Femdom very rarely looks like what you see on the internet.
Why?
Because most porn is made for males, by males, to appease the male gaze.
The male gaze, in media theory, is the representation of a woman from a masculine, heterosexual perspective. Women are at the centre of the scene, portrayed as sexual objects for the pleasure of the heterosexual male viewer.
But it is porn, everybody is sexualized!
No, my friend. Not in the same way. Let’s take your typical femdom porn. The main actress is a beautiful young woman, wearing extra-tight latex clothes and traipsing about with sky-high heels. But the sub – well, we are lucky if we even get to see his face. The camera does not linger on his expression and the angle is not meant to flatter his body. He is just there to be a penis for you to project on. Which is all nice and dandy - but who do you think the video is made for?
An IRL femdom relationship is not based on the exclusive pleasure of one party, but it should appeal to everybody involved. It does not matter if you are willing to follow her every whim and desire - because let’s face it, you are not. And should not be!
2) Know what you want
This brings up our next point. It is extremely important to know what you are looking for when you enter the field. Do some research, and ask yourself what you are looking for and, more importantly, why.
Of course, the answer can totally be “spanking makes me horny”. Amaze pal, that makes two of us. But a lot of young subs look at femdom as a way to escape the social pressure that comes with dating and approaching the opposite sex. Are you looking for a female-led relationship, or do you just want to have a vanilla girlfriend without going through the stress of modern courtship?
Both cases are valid – dating is hard! – but you might be disappointed if you go in with the wrong expectations.
3) Set your limits
Knowing what you want means figuring out your kinks – but also (and more importantly!) your limits.
In my experience, a sub with “no limits” is a huge red flag. Forcing your Domme to guess your boundaries is not just reckless, but it can also be dangerous for all the parties involved.
BDSM is an intense type of play. It is not only your body that is involved, but also your mind, will and emotions. If you have no limits, it can only mean one of two things: 1) you assume that nothing can break you – in that case, you are wrong and arrogant; 2) you want to be broken – do not involve other people in your self-destructive spiral and please, seek a therapist.
BDSM is, ultimately, an act of trust that goes both ways. Your Domme trust you to know your limits, as much as you trust her to respect them.
Even if you have a safe word (as you should) you might not be in the condition of properly using it. You might enter what is called “subspace” – that is a high, a sense of euphoria, caused by an influx of adrenaline and endorphins into your brains. It can be a great thing and an extremely powerful experience, but it also may drastically alter your perception of the situation.
Doms are also not immune from being emotionally affected. While they may hurt you in a scene, they do not want to harm you (if they do, it does not matter if they are the best Dom in the world, just call 911).
Remember that your kinks and limits are not set in stone and they can (and most likely will) change with time. You can always move the line. But there is no rush: just take it slow, a step at a time, and I am sure you will have a wonderful experience.
4) Get educated!
You now have an idea of what you want to try, and what you really, really want to stay away from. Amazing! But before you jump into the fray, you should learn the etiquette, the culture and the lingo. Trust me: expanding your vocabulary beyond the Pornhub categories could save your life, helping you to identify predators, abusers, ill-intentioned people and well-intentioned danger bombs.
BDSM is very much like a rollercoaster. It can give you amazing thrills, but for it to be fun, you must have the seatbelt on. That is why there are is such a strict socially enforced set of do and don’ts that comes with the practice.
The rabbit hole is deep end ever-growing but, you should at least be familiar with the basics of Safe Sane and Consensual (SSC).
SSC is the most common approach to BDSM. It means that before the action (the so-called “scene”) both partners have a long and nice conversation, discuss their kinks, limits, and desires, and assess which specific practices can be safely implemented in a specific situation. This includes the use of precautions or the exclusion for certain kinks from a scene (i.e you really want to try water sports, but you don’t have access to proper hygienic facilities. You decide to come back from your camping trip before giving a go at that golden shower).
It also dictates the use of verbal and non-verbal signals (safe words/signals) to stop the scene at any given moment. If you are not fond of kill switches, you can also use the traffic light system. You know how it goes, right? Red means, "Stop."Green means, "Go." Yellow means, "Slow the fuck down." <3
Aftercare is also included in SSC practices. After the scene, partners should take the time to check on each other emotional status. As already mentioned, certain forms of play can be physically and psychologically demanding, and the moments to “get back to reality” are as important as the discussion before the play.
If your wannabe Dom refuses to take time for any of those steps, consider it a huge red flag. Do not engage, and find somebody that can treat you right. There is a huge difference between abuse and BDSM - as there is between a rollercoaster and a catapult.
If you want to know more, take advantage of the World Wide Web and make sure to have your basis covered before going to the following step.
5) Get Involved
While you might be drawn by anonymous internet fun, the best way to explore your kinks in a safe and fun way is by getting to know your friendly, local BDSM community. The best way to do so is to show up to a Munch.
Munches are informal gatherings, usually held in a pub, a cafè or a teahouse, where like-minded people meet to hang out, socialize, and get to know each other. Nobody will show up in full leather gear or tie you up to the ceiling - it is really just a way to get a feel of the scene. Just keep in mind that Munches are not the place to beg for a Domme – go in with an open mind and get to know the people behind the kink (we are all humans I promise).
To find a Munch, you can use the power of Google (just type "BDSM munches in X city") or give a spin to Fetlife's event section. I personally prefer the latter and this is mostly why I hang around here: you can use the system to look for events in your area, have a good overlook of the situation, and keep everything in one place (my bookmarks are already messy enough). Then just turn up to say hi!
You can also use Fetlife to find workshops and participate in events. One of my best experiences was volunteering at a bondage festival – I had to wash carpets and move chairs, but I also got to participate in classes and discussions, meet amazing people and make new open-minded friends!
If you are under 35, check if there is a TNG (The New Generation) group active in your area. It is a space for young kinksters to express themself, learn and explore at their own pace. I absolutely love the community and I would recommend it to anybody entering the field for the first time.
If you are still unsure (or self-isolating ) there is a lot going on in the virtual world. I personally don’t use Discord much, but I have seen plenty of servers floating around. Fetlife also has a whole section dedicated to virtual meetings and events - for some you may have to pay, but the majority is free!
6) Finding your Domme
A Domme is, first and foremost, a human being. She won’t materialize in your life, strut around in a leather corset, take care of your most hidden desires and then disappear in a puff of shadows. She is not a fantasy, but a person, with her own life, passions, and priorities that extend far beyond her kinks. Exactly as you are.
Your priority should not be finding a Domme, but the Domme that’s right for you. This entails a certain degree of sexual compatibility, of course, but it also encompasses many other aspects of your personality. To put it simply: you need to click.
And how do you click? Well, they still don’t sell bottled-up chemistry, so you will have to give the Mistress of your dreams something to work with. Being nice and submissive is definitely not enough, even for a one-off dirty chat. You need to bring something to the table – be it creativity, charm, wit, or Herbert, your amazing pet cactus. Shared interests, a matching sense of humour, or even something as simple as great grammar can really make the difference (okay, the last one is personal).
I also have a bit of a pet peeve: I fucking hate when somebody I never spoke with calls me Mistress, Goddess, My Perfect Teapot or whatever. I find it disrespectful. I did not agree to enter a scene and I feel forced into their fantasy without the possibility to discuss or give my consent.
In short: Stop rushing. Take your time. Commit. The best BDSM experiences are rooted in trust and well, trust is rarely immediate.